May update

I must admit that this blog has fallen into a bit of neglect.  The reason for that is two-fold.  1) It has been a busy time of year what with school finals, job searching, moving home, and general travels and 2) there really hasn’t been all that much to report.

After being clean for the longest time yet I only had one relapse to speak of.  As terrible and hurtful as that relapse was, though, it doesn’t quite feel like the set back it used to.  I’ll tell you why.

This relapse happened at a time where I was generally very tired and my resistance to the temptation was lowered.  In essence, I let my guard down. That is no excuse, though, for what I did and I still greatly regret my decision.  However, when I did fall I was reminded of something.  I was reminded that this pornography that used to have such a deadly choke hold on me is now something that I find utterly repulsive and just not fun.  I realized that, while I am still on the path of recovery, porn’s hold has been weakened.  The false exotic illusions and romantizations of porn are being striped away from my mind and I am seeing more and more clearly the ugliness of pornography as it really is.

I may still be on the path to recovery but I know for sure that great progress is being made.  I would just ask that all of you would continue praying for me.

Easter

It is now just after Easter weekend. This has been the time when Christians gather in community and celebrate the great sacrifice Christ made. We remember when He died and rose once again so that all of humanity may be redeemed from their own sin and earned wrath.

It is also on this weekend that the temptation towards my own old sin has returned. I knew it would come, though, and I am ready to resist and flee from it. God has not forsaken be nor will He ever. Though I am hard and stubborn He is forming me, ever so slowly and skillfully, into what He has planned for me to be.

He is truly worthy of praise.

O to grace how great a debtor
daily I’m constrained to be!
Let thy goodness, like a fetter,
bind my wandering heart to thee.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
prone to leave the God I love;
here’s my heart, O take and seal it,
seal it for thy courts above.

- "Come, Thou Fount of Every Blessing" by Robert Robinson

Flickr.com

The uber popular photo sharing site flickr.com now has a SafeSearch option for its members and anyone visiting the site.  It is on by default if you are not logged in or if you have not changed it.  Now I love flickr even more. 🙂

 

A week later

I’m sorry I haven’t updated in a while. I’ve been a bit under the weather lately (I still have no idea where that phrase came from) and that coupled with the typical school business has left me with little motivation to write. But now I’m feeling the urge to update so here we go.

I’ve been going pretty strong so far on keeping clean. I really believe, now, that that is because of one reason primarily. That reason is that I made a promise. I made the promise to my girlfriend that I would not intentionally look at porn again (I say intentionally because there is away the chance that I may be in the wrong place at the wrong time and get exposed to something vulgar and I wouldn’t want my promise broken by something I cannot control). Now anyone who knows me well knows that a promise is something I rarely if ever make. That is because it is something so utterly serious for me that if there is much of any chance that I cannot keep my word I won’t make the promise in the first place.

So the commitment to kick this addiction is now very serious because if I fail to keep my promise my word is no longer worthwhile and trust in me may be shattered. Thus I am committed to my promise. Please pray, though, that I will have the strength to persist. As always, I will need God’s help with this.

I am not the man I should be

It is late at night now and I am at home nearing the end of my spring break.  It has been a decently eventful break but even amongst all of the catching up with loved ones I still managed to learn a couple things about this addiction of mine.

One small lesson that I learned (the hard way) is that I did not far enough extend the preventative rule that I had established earlier.  I made the rule that I would not use the computers at school which provided me with no protection or accountability.  Unfortunately, I did not extend that decree to parents home computer.  The temptation proved too great.

Thus I am now extending that rule to include any unprotected computer unless there is someone nearby to keep my on my toes.

The other thing that I learned this week is that my struggles with sexual sin are not only limited to what I do.  Over this spring break I was granted the privilege to see much of my lovely girlfriend (something that has become a rare treat with the distance between home and school).  I had a wonderful time with her but I must admit something.   I struggle with maintaining the line between what is and is not an appropriate way to touch her and I know that I have crossed that line more than once.

We are not yet married so this is a big deal.  Honoring her and maintaining her purity is a very important matter and a goal I want to achieve.   Thus I have asked her to keep me more accountable in those matters and even be hard on me about it if necessary.  I know I will need help with that and I am so thankful for her grace and willingness to stand by me and support me.  I truly do love her.

It is amazing what you can learn when not even at school.  I should take breaks more often.